Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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