when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
