Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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