I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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