I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
