Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
did i walk over a car last night?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
