You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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