Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
