capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
