so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fill condoms, not promises.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
