i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
