walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
