my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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