Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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