Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Still dying that you shit outside
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
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