I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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