when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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