Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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