I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
