Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like death gave me a hand job
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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