you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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