The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
