Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
