Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize