it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
