I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize