I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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