she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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