I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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