I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize