im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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