I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
