At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
