Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
