my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
