Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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