I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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