you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
