Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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