is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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