it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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