Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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