he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
