I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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