evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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