i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
