I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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