Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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