my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
