I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
