His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
