How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
