I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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