totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
