you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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