just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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