I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I cockslap morals
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
