My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
