what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
