Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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