my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
