the condom got lost in my hair
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize